First a quickie

.... then I'll elaborate more after finals are over.

Thank you:

Purple year, for welcoming me
Gold year, for supporting me

_____ year, for believing in me

Leh do dis!!

Reflect

This thanksgiving was probably the first weekend at home when I felt most comfortable being at home.

No bickering

No fighting

No desire to leave

I loved it. I wish every time could be this stress free.

The lack of family troubles gave me some clarity and some time to just sit at home and reflect on my own. I'm not usually a homebody, and tend to get pretty restless when I am just sitting around, but I found comfort in having time off for myself.

There's a lot that I am currently struggling with. Some demons of my own that have resurfaced and have manifested a bit this weekend. I'm fighting against them, but I am going to seek some help and guidance with these issues. I want to regain control of them.

I'm doing this for myself. Self efficacy kicking in NOW.

Thriller

Rainy Thoughts

I love the rain. Ever since I was young, I remember being inside and just staring out my fogged up window as the drops hit and soaked the ground below me. This weather most recently reminds me of this summer and the crazy hurricane rain weather that came with being on the East Coast. I remember in DC, the unpredictable downpours that would happen. Even if it was 90+ °F in the morning, the rain would come hard (all pun intended) by 2: 00pm.

Looking back on one of those rainy summer days, there was a time when I was helping out with Mr. Derek's poetry class at WVSA. He asked me to participate in the same writing exercise as the students. It was a sort of free write where we would write about anything, and as he said different words at random intervals, we would have to incorporate the word into our poem. Here was what I wrote:

I hear the rain pouring down
Falling from clouds of gray
hitting on pavements of the same shade
The vibrations hit my ear drum
and rattles like a snare before the break
Slow it down and see every drop
drifting into place
Eveything is serene in this concrete jungle
Oil slicks the ground like it would across my pizza
wetness coats everything like cheese across the slice
and I get hungry everytime I hear that sauce
drip and drop over those lights
Thunder rattles and I count
1, 2, 3, 4 ,5How far away before it comes after me?
Not sure if it can walk, but I'll give it a start
I long to run in this rain
Be bathe in the drops and feel the dew
across my skin, beading on every hair and every inch
soaked in this cool water, refreshing as lemon drops
25 cents can get you a box
Red cartoons bleed their drops
In this rain, their soul is exposed
and all that's washed away leaves
a blank canvas ready for its fresh paint
It'll melt like ice cream on a hot day
dripple all over the drains
and the ninja turtle get a swig
as the water walks down their throat
personification?
yes and the rain will come sliding down too

8:15 am

On campus on a Saturday morning at 8:00 am. Training for COACH starts at 8:30 and I’ll be here until about 5:00pm. Looong Day indeed

I’m no morning person and usually I’m the one to hit snooze about a couple dozen times before I actually get up. Today feels different. Though I did manage to get a couple of snoozes into my morning, I got up first, cleaned up, and made breakfast, still with enough time to still check my emails and take my time getting ready.

Now I’m sitting in a not so hidden part of campus, but away from my usual spots at starbucks or student center. Sunlight is not too bright, but creeping between the trees. There’s serenity on this campus that I’ve never felt before. A calmness that you would never get here, had you not shown up on campus bright and early. No hustle and bustle of people running to their next classes. No sounds of people flyering. No music blaring from tents. No big Greek Letters. None of it. Just the sounds of my laptop keys clicking away as I blog. This calmness is really relaxing and feels like the first break I’ve given myself this whole week. No talking, no interacting with anyone else, no distractions. Just sitting and soaking in my surroundings.

Now time for all day training…

GLEE

So Good

Back to School

Got up at 6am today. Work and Performances today. Welcome Week begins today. 1st full day on campus today.

Good Morning Irvine!!!!

....

School feels like it really hasn't changed that much since I've been back. When I say school, I usually refer to just being back to the Irvine/OC area as a whole. This is probably due to how much the areas outside of campus have influenced my experiences in college, so I've just used the encompassing term of just "school". Almost everything feels familiar and just the way it was since I left for DC. But a part of me still feels a disconnect.

Maybe I've grown out of Irvine? Maybe living somewhere outside the bubble is causing a disconnect for me by being back? Maybe my relationships have changed with people. Maybe Irvine as a city, just sucks?! I'm figuring it out as I go.

I had a conversation with my pal Michi while we were in DC and we try to always hold each other accountable to what we both said in that talk. Being away gave me a lot of time to reflect and look at myself and my actions. A lot of what I discovered would have been impossible to figure out had I not left school to live somewhere else. Coming to (hopefully) me last year of school, I don't want to make those same mistakes. I don't want to fall back into the same routines and patterns of behaviors that would frustrate me and other people. I'm trying to practice actions that will hopefully just become second nature, without requiring extra thought. Though I notice, that because my school environment is so familiar, it just makes it so much easier for those past routines to fall back into place.

Maybe I'm just scared to try new things? Maybe the uncertainty of changing routines and breaking commitments brings me anxiety? Maybe I need to be more active and less reactive in changing my situations?

Regardless, I'm staying optimistic about what lies ahead.